Things falling apart
The laptop is defective. The headphone jack doesn't work and the usb ports aren't capable of transferring data. I spent a large chunk of my day dealing with customer support hell. I know it's a hardware issue because I've tried every conceivable driver fix. I'm disappointed.
This is the last in a string of events that have wasted too much of my time, and I've made the call to cancel my next animation to prevent me from overworking myself. I'm not looking forward to making a more public post about this, but I'm sure everyone will understand.